Relinquishing Me

My heart has conceived lies that I told
To myself when the truth was too much.

My soul has feasted on every iniquity
And I am appalled at myself.

My breath is short and filled with doubt,
As I cage every hope I can't live without.

I've wrapped myself in garments of pain,
Dulled colors, smeared by the rain,
Of every silent cry born into tears,
Let loose from within this loss all these years.

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I feast on the yoke of oppression,
Starvation is all I deserve,
For keeping within this confession,
That I surrendered my child at birth.

No matter what reasons I give,
They are knives set out to destroy me.
Justice refuses to solace the act that I did,
When I wanted the best for my baby.

I ache for light, but darkness surrounds me,
I am a blind woman on a ledge.
I stumble along, as if it were hazy,
And re-act to the world as if I were dead.

My growl is a frightened instinct,
My mourning like doves caught in traps.
I wake looking for justice, but find none;
Find no one, to validate my act.

I guard these things as if they're worth,
The destruction that they've caused.
By right, they're mine, so shall I keep
What is easy to keep lost.

And up from within, a lost place I'd forgotten,
Something comes to lay claim on my past.
With a voice strong and gentle it speaks,
"What more can you live without ?" It asks,

The only thing left to give up is me.
For the damage has thus far been done,
And this pain seems stagnantly wrung,
Out like the cloth of my anger that never does cease
To remind me of those who've avoided
The loss that has taken my life.
So I give up the anger, the pain, and the strife,
The grief, and the agony.

And then, I relinquish me.

My heart must reject the lies that I told
To myself when the truth was too much.

My soul must not feast on my iniquities,
But rather repent and give them up.
My breath must be filled with total trust,
As I let go and surrender my will.

For what else do I have left to loose,
Than the punishment I have sentenced me too.

Stepping out of my cage I humbly
Repent of it's very existence to start.
Like a child I hand over lock and key,
To the Life-Giver who takes my heart.

I give to Him the lies I told,
The feast I took,
The breath I breathed.
I admit to the cage,
To the growl,
And the grief,
To the pain,
To the loss,
And to me.

Then my Life-giver looked and was displeased.
For He saw there had been no justice.
He noticed no one else around,
He was appalled that no one intervened.

So, with His arm he worked salvation,
An amazing righteous sustainment;
As He pulled on His breastplate,
The helmet of salvation,
His garments of vengeance .. all for me.

As He wrapped Himself in Zeal as His cloak,
He asked only that I believe.

I had nothing left, and what I had tried,
Had long since proved not to work.
My heart was filled with weary release,
As I surrendered to His work within me.

As He began He offered a feast,
To which I was called to accept.

Great purpose will come to you, he said,
As I let loose of every iniquity.
I fasted on hope,
I prayed by faith,
And when dwindled down to nothing,
I even laid down the pain.

When nothing was left,
My Life-Giver then
found His way back in.

My heart was re-born again.

As I opened my eyes,
As my ears could hear,
He spoke,
"I bind up this broken heart,
I proclaim it released in my Name.
Your mourning, I hold it in the palm of my Hand,
And so promise you'll never grieve alone again.
I bestow on you a crown of beauty
Instead of ashes you care not called to carry,
I give you joy, that you might wear
And a garment of praise,
Not a spirit of despair.
You shall be called righteous my dear one,
A planting of my own accord
For the display of my splendor,
Set forth into the world."